The state of my world

As I raked the new lilac-colored brush through my wet hair I thought about the last time I bought a hairbrush. It was the end of 2006. I was in Irvine, CA visiting relatives for New Years. I had forgotten to bring a hairbrush and had remembered at the last minute to go along to the market to purchase a lime green one. There's really nothing special about that brush, except that I forgot it at the dorms this weekend.

A lot has changed since that faraway time; 2006 was my last good year. 2007 was the beginning of the mistakes. Generally people don't have years of continual disastrous events, I guess I'm just lucky. But I won't go into that now.

February 21st is my half birthday. I've always find myself off-guard when half a year has passed since my last birthday. Nine-teen and a Half. What was I doing half a year ago? Oh yes, I was getting ready to go to school. Dreading it. Everyone glorifies college; the freedom, the wild parties, skipping classes, new friends. I sit in class, trying to ignore the people across the room, trying to not know their faces. It shocks me when people here know my name and who I am. I don't want any of that; I just want to get on with my life.

Half a year ago I was in the worst pain of my life, and while that pain has dulled I can still feel it. I'm reminded of it when I talk to those living out of my reach. It prevents me from thinking clearly, thus making more mistakes with more people. I can sense it when I fall asleep at night, hoping I don't have any more nightmares. They come anyway.

I wonder if he feels any guilt for what he's done, or rather, what he's created. I find myself fighting the urge to mutilate my appearances; shaving my head, allowing my hands to bleed from dry cracked skin, finding convenient places on my arms to bruise. But I never do it. Is it strength or weakness that prevents it? All I know is that it is wrong and insane.

There are hardly enough distractions in my world. I secretly hope my phone dies and Vista takes over and destroys my computer. It would be nice to be shut off from the rest of the world. To crawl into a cave and hide from the truth.

It would be nice to pick up and move to a place where no one knew who I was. To be just another face in a crowd, or to be the only face around for miles. It could be nice to escape from my current dysfunctional mental state, but the truth is, there's no going back. And as one of the new brush's bristles breaks off and a missing piece rattles around defiantly in the body, I begin to miss the old one more fiercely.

Purpose

I know many of you will be upset by what I write, and I honestly don't think I care. I intend to rant, complain, and criticize ideas, people, and societies.

On the other hand, I will probably use this blog to post photos, tell of crazy birding adventures, and write abstract thoughts. Basically an all-purpose blog.

Cheers to those who enjoy reading this kind of snarky shit. :)

Freddy Goshawk