1. Ryan to be with me during Christmas
2. A kitten
3. Open-minded Christians
4. A new friendlier version of my roommate
5. My nightmares to magically disappear
6. Good Grades
7. A direction in life
8. Motivation
9. Blog writing ideas
10. ...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
FU
The world can just fuck off right now.
I haven't been able to sleep in months.
Doctors think I have Narcolepsy.
And it pisses me off that I have to remember dreams where I see people shooting themselves in the head. Where I feel the bullets going through my neck. My guts spilling into my hands.
And it pisses me off that at least three times a night I wake up shivering and covered in cold sweat.
But what really gets me is that no one takes me seriously.
I haven't been able to sleep in months.
Doctors think I have Narcolepsy.
And it pisses me off that I have to remember dreams where I see people shooting themselves in the head. Where I feel the bullets going through my neck. My guts spilling into my hands.
And it pisses me off that at least three times a night I wake up shivering and covered in cold sweat.
But what really gets me is that no one takes me seriously.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Clarification
"Ok, well, as I see it, you're a fairly self reliant person who needs to have something to be passionate about (aviary I think, at this time anyway), but you don't deal well with boredom and downtime. So as near as I can figure you get depressed being self reliant but not really wanting to be. You've had bad luck with relationships and take it hard. You don't want much to do with the social structure but have a hard time finding a workable replacement. I think you form attachments quickly, to a set of criteria I don't know. There's a bunch more, let me think on how to phrase it...As for the more mundane, well, you saw how I did on that quiz. You've told me your ideal guy, which in most physical characteristics is rather unlike me. I admit there is a lot I don't know about you, from how you sound to how you handle personal interaction...can't gauge that over text and chat."
"Hmmm. You are intent of travel for two main reasons, you don't know what else to do with your life, and you don't want to create personal relationships with people. You stay connected online and with your phone, having shallow digital relationships with so called birders because the only thing you think is worth having in common is the shared interest of birds. You are insecure with yourself and hide behind the bird guise to make friends you wouldn't otherwise make. You want to have a normal like with normal interactions but can't pull yourself away from birding long enough to do so. Thus resulting in this falsely glorified image of birder and explorer."
"Hmmm. You are intent of travel for two main reasons, you don't know what else to do with your life, and you don't want to create personal relationships with people. You stay connected online and with your phone, having shallow digital relationships with so called birders because the only thing you think is worth having in common is the shared interest of birds. You are insecure with yourself and hide behind the bird guise to make friends you wouldn't otherwise make. You want to have a normal like with normal interactions but can't pull yourself away from birding long enough to do so. Thus resulting in this falsely glorified image of birder and explorer."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Satan's Saxophones
Very Fitting title to the song by Sufjan Stevens.
My life feels like a blur. After starting on my much needed antidepressants in April, my life feels almost as if I'm Moving in slow motion. This has by far been the longest summer in my memory.
In June I celebrated Alex's one year anniversary with the flock. I also added another member for my Leo. Sheila, the cinnamon light blue opaline budgie has joined the flock by becoming Leo's girlfriend. Leo's condition has improved drastically. His neurotic vomiting has ceased to exist with his companionship to Sheila. Our hypothesis was tested and proven to be correct.
Mid-June my cousin Cameron's rowing team competed in Ohio, and we tagged along to witness their triumph at winning the gold medal for youth men lightweight eights. The hotel in which we stayed had a well-loved blue and gold macaw named Emmy. She and I became fast friends, and looked forward to scratching sessions and learning to play "Up! Down!"
Upon our return to Iowa City, I recieved a Phone call from the Aviary. Glen said that a couple of flight cages of cockatiels had escaped, and while gathering them up discovered a nest with chicks. However, the mother had already been captured and it was next to impossible to figure out which bird she was. He offered the chicks to me to raise, and I immediately agreed.
The yellow down that covered the pink chicks was barely enough to keep them warm. They were estimated to be about a week old and completely dependent on us to maintain their body temperatures and their feeding. I took their sawdust filled glass tank home and began my commitment to the babies. We named them Hungry and Hissy; the smallest not knowing to be afraid would beg for food constantly, while the largest hunkered down in the corner of the tank, swaying and hissing. They soon got over any misgivings towards the idea that I would be their new mom as I taught them to feed with a syringe. Cockatiel chick growth is incredibly fast. In less than a month they were fully feathered and testing out their flying abilities. No longer wanting to call them by their baby names, I picked out new names; Izze and Jones.
Izze, formerly Hungry, loves to fly. She has her favorite perches in the bird room and is faithful to them. However, this proves to be quite a nuisance when she refuses to return to her cage. Jones, formerly Hissy, is a mama's boy. He loves to sit on my shoulder and play with my hair. Both are very curious about their surroundings and explore everything with their beaks. They both don't realize the strength of their bills yet, and sometimes bite way too hard, especially my ears.
All four of the 'tiels reside in the same cage now, and mostly get along. The babies being pests to the older birds have lead Alex to be the disciplinary male, and he chases them around the cage when they bother him or Mello. Mello is nonchalant about the whole thing. I think that she would prefer to be in a cage by herself, but after testing that theory, proved to be much more comfortable in the main cage. Whenever I enter the room, all four go wild, wanting to be let out for attention.
In early August I drove to Wisconsin to spend a week with my grandparents. During my stay I visited Evan Barrientos and went to Horicon Marsh to bird. I also completed a quilt for college with my grandmother's 1950's sewing machine and her help. It was my Cousin Grace's Birthday on the 11th, so my aunt, grandma, cousins, and brothers all attended the Wisconsin state fair.
I can justly say that this year has been a lot of planning, and a lot of plans falling through. My plan to visit Panama in March fell through. My plan to have a summer job involving birds fell through. My plan to go to Michigan for some great lake birding and surfing fell through. And my plan to roadtrip to Colorado with Jessica fell through. I think its just my luck.
I can't wait for school to start. I need to get out of this house. My parents are stressing me out with all of their concerns about money, my grades, and their dislike of my pets. School hasn't even started yet, and they're pestering me about grades! I'm planning on transferring to SDSU next year. Maybe then they will leave me alone.
I want to switch my major to pre-vet. I have been spending my time at the humane society, and want to help the animals. I want to get to a point where I can help them for free. The government grant used towards spaying and neutering the animals at the shelter was denied this year, so many of the animals are deemed as undesirable and expensive to house for their medical bills. Especially the cats. It is so important to spay and neuter cats due to their independent and freedom-seeking nature. I am smitten by Phoebe, a gray tortoiseshell cat. Despite my severe allergies to cats, I am acclimating to the cats and my reactions haven't been as severe as they have in the past. Because I do not have a home to bring these animals home to, I am gathering materials to donate to our local centers; Old towels, blankets, bleach, paper towels, dawn dish soap, and canned pet food. Its my new passion: Helping those who cannot help themselves.
My life feels like a blur. After starting on my much needed antidepressants in April, my life feels almost as if I'm Moving in slow motion. This has by far been the longest summer in my memory.
In June I celebrated Alex's one year anniversary with the flock. I also added another member for my Leo. Sheila, the cinnamon light blue opaline budgie has joined the flock by becoming Leo's girlfriend. Leo's condition has improved drastically. His neurotic vomiting has ceased to exist with his companionship to Sheila. Our hypothesis was tested and proven to be correct.
Mid-June my cousin Cameron's rowing team competed in Ohio, and we tagged along to witness their triumph at winning the gold medal for youth men lightweight eights. The hotel in which we stayed had a well-loved blue and gold macaw named Emmy. She and I became fast friends, and looked forward to scratching sessions and learning to play "Up! Down!"
Upon our return to Iowa City, I recieved a Phone call from the Aviary. Glen said that a couple of flight cages of cockatiels had escaped, and while gathering them up discovered a nest with chicks. However, the mother had already been captured and it was next to impossible to figure out which bird she was. He offered the chicks to me to raise, and I immediately agreed.
The yellow down that covered the pink chicks was barely enough to keep them warm. They were estimated to be about a week old and completely dependent on us to maintain their body temperatures and their feeding. I took their sawdust filled glass tank home and began my commitment to the babies. We named them Hungry and Hissy; the smallest not knowing to be afraid would beg for food constantly, while the largest hunkered down in the corner of the tank, swaying and hissing. They soon got over any misgivings towards the idea that I would be their new mom as I taught them to feed with a syringe. Cockatiel chick growth is incredibly fast. In less than a month they were fully feathered and testing out their flying abilities. No longer wanting to call them by their baby names, I picked out new names; Izze and Jones.
Izze, formerly Hungry, loves to fly. She has her favorite perches in the bird room and is faithful to them. However, this proves to be quite a nuisance when she refuses to return to her cage. Jones, formerly Hissy, is a mama's boy. He loves to sit on my shoulder and play with my hair. Both are very curious about their surroundings and explore everything with their beaks. They both don't realize the strength of their bills yet, and sometimes bite way too hard, especially my ears.
All four of the 'tiels reside in the same cage now, and mostly get along. The babies being pests to the older birds have lead Alex to be the disciplinary male, and he chases them around the cage when they bother him or Mello. Mello is nonchalant about the whole thing. I think that she would prefer to be in a cage by herself, but after testing that theory, proved to be much more comfortable in the main cage. Whenever I enter the room, all four go wild, wanting to be let out for attention.
In early August I drove to Wisconsin to spend a week with my grandparents. During my stay I visited Evan Barrientos and went to Horicon Marsh to bird. I also completed a quilt for college with my grandmother's 1950's sewing machine and her help. It was my Cousin Grace's Birthday on the 11th, so my aunt, grandma, cousins, and brothers all attended the Wisconsin state fair.
I can justly say that this year has been a lot of planning, and a lot of plans falling through. My plan to visit Panama in March fell through. My plan to have a summer job involving birds fell through. My plan to go to Michigan for some great lake birding and surfing fell through. And my plan to roadtrip to Colorado with Jessica fell through. I think its just my luck.
I can't wait for school to start. I need to get out of this house. My parents are stressing me out with all of their concerns about money, my grades, and their dislike of my pets. School hasn't even started yet, and they're pestering me about grades! I'm planning on transferring to SDSU next year. Maybe then they will leave me alone.
I want to switch my major to pre-vet. I have been spending my time at the humane society, and want to help the animals. I want to get to a point where I can help them for free. The government grant used towards spaying and neutering the animals at the shelter was denied this year, so many of the animals are deemed as undesirable and expensive to house for their medical bills. Especially the cats. It is so important to spay and neuter cats due to their independent and freedom-seeking nature. I am smitten by Phoebe, a gray tortoiseshell cat. Despite my severe allergies to cats, I am acclimating to the cats and my reactions haven't been as severe as they have in the past. Because I do not have a home to bring these animals home to, I am gathering materials to donate to our local centers; Old towels, blankets, bleach, paper towels, dawn dish soap, and canned pet food. Its my new passion: Helping those who cannot help themselves.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
5 Nov 2007
Ok, fine. I’m just going to say it. I’m in love with you. Yeah, I know that you’ll probably never feel the same way, and I don’t blame you. Not many would. Yet even though I know this, and I tell myself to quit and move on, I find that I can’t, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I’ve gotten so attached to the idea of you, the idea that when I look into your eyes there’s this imaginary glimmer of hope that I bring horrors to my every waking and non-waking moment, horrors of deception, defeat, and rejection. My everyday realization is that I am completely alone in this world, and that I tend to get attached to people and things too easily. I guess that would explain my attachment to birds. They shed light on my darkened world like nothing else in this entire universe. But they also bring me great despair, pain, and loss.
I am not telling you all of this for want of pity, for pity would be a wasted expectation on me. Nor do I want argument or strife. I simply needed to temporarily unmask and relieve the pent up stress and grief of keeping all of this a secret. No one wants to hide their true face in the dark forever. I guess this could be called the ultimate test of trust, and in all actuality it is. Any fearful person would conceal themselves for as long as they possibly could, and if truth, I have. But right now in this moment, any built up pain and angst have overcome all sense of reason. I know that I will try to act normally and pretend all of this never happened, and you will probably never speak to me again. If this happens, so be it. Endings shouldn’t happen this way. But they do, and I see it every day. I live it. A life that equates to nothing more than a series of formal Hello’s and Goodbye’s. In with the new, out with the old. For once I want to pause the proceedings of my life and be honest and true, to reverse this continual time-warped theatrical life and set things right.
So there. I said it. I love you. You can pretend you didn’t hear it, but you’ll see it in my eyes. Tomorrow is a new day and I will don my mask of secrecy once again, and wearily tread my accustomed paths. You get to decide if this is a Hello, Goodbye, or I Don’t Know.
I am not telling you all of this for want of pity, for pity would be a wasted expectation on me. Nor do I want argument or strife. I simply needed to temporarily unmask and relieve the pent up stress and grief of keeping all of this a secret. No one wants to hide their true face in the dark forever. I guess this could be called the ultimate test of trust, and in all actuality it is. Any fearful person would conceal themselves for as long as they possibly could, and if truth, I have. But right now in this moment, any built up pain and angst have overcome all sense of reason. I know that I will try to act normally and pretend all of this never happened, and you will probably never speak to me again. If this happens, so be it. Endings shouldn’t happen this way. But they do, and I see it every day. I live it. A life that equates to nothing more than a series of formal Hello’s and Goodbye’s. In with the new, out with the old. For once I want to pause the proceedings of my life and be honest and true, to reverse this continual time-warped theatrical life and set things right.
So there. I said it. I love you. You can pretend you didn’t hear it, but you’ll see it in my eyes. Tomorrow is a new day and I will don my mask of secrecy once again, and wearily tread my accustomed paths. You get to decide if this is a Hello, Goodbye, or I Don’t Know.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Inspirational Coffee Cup.
The Way I See It # 76
The irony of commitment is that
its deeply liberating - in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you
from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from fear that likes to
dress itself up and parade around
as rational hesitation. To Commit is
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life.
-Anne Morriss
The irony of commitment is that
its deeply liberating - in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you
from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from fear that likes to
dress itself up and parade around
as rational hesitation. To Commit is
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life.
-Anne Morriss
Monday, March 23, 2009
Currently
Because my original plans for spring break fell through, I decided to make the six hour drive to Iowa City, IA to live with my uncle and his two cats Pooper and Daisy. Fortunately my allergies have not been acting up and I am able to live comfortably with the cats, and take all sorts of awesome photos of them. One thing I learned about them is that they are great birders. I have to learn some bird calls for my ornithology class, so I'm playing my Stokes over and over. This ultimately drives the cats mad as they search the room and peer out windows looking for the birds. However, they seem to have realized that the interesting sounds were only coming from my computer and lost interest.
The number of spring birds already here is refreshing compared to back home. The couple latitudinal degrees south really makes a big difference. On the drive out here, I almost smashed an extremely unintelligent Charadrius voiciferous who thought the middle of highway 680 was a good place to take a nap. I also think I saw an juvenile Scissor-tailed Flycatcher, flashing its salmon armpits as it flew before my windshield.
Tomorrow I plan on driving to Omaha to visit the English nanny we had as kids, Barbara. If she is up to it, we will then drive to the Rowe Sanctuary on the Platte River to see the Sandhill Crane migration.
FG
The number of spring birds already here is refreshing compared to back home. The couple latitudinal degrees south really makes a big difference. On the drive out here, I almost smashed an extremely unintelligent Charadrius voiciferous who thought the middle of highway 680 was a good place to take a nap. I also think I saw an juvenile Scissor-tailed Flycatcher, flashing its salmon armpits as it flew before my windshield.
Tomorrow I plan on driving to Omaha to visit the English nanny we had as kids, Barbara. If she is up to it, we will then drive to the Rowe Sanctuary on the Platte River to see the Sandhill Crane migration.
FG
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wishful Thinking
Wouldn't it be nice if everything turned out the way we planned?
Wishfully thinking of you.
FG
Wishfully thinking of you.
FG
Friday, March 6, 2009
Georges Bizet (1838-1875)
Habanera
L'amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoisier,
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser
Rien n'y fait; menace ou priere
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait:
Et c'est autre que je prefere,
Il n'a rien dit mais il me plait
L'amour est enfant de Boheme,
Il n'a jamais connu de loi;
Si tu ne m'amais pas, je t'aime;
Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!
L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre
Battit de l'aile et s'envola
L'amour est loin, tu peux l'attendre
Tu ne l'attends plus - il est la.
Tout autour de toi, vite, vite,
Il vient, s'en va, puis il revient
Tu crois le tenir, il t'evite
Tu veux l'eviter, il te tient.
L'amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoisier,
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser
Rien n'y fait; menace ou priere
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait:
Et c'est autre que je prefere,
Il n'a rien dit mais il me plait
L'amour est enfant de Boheme,
Il n'a jamais connu de loi;
Si tu ne m'amais pas, je t'aime;
Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!
L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre
Battit de l'aile et s'envola
L'amour est loin, tu peux l'attendre
Tu ne l'attends plus - il est la.
Tout autour de toi, vite, vite,
Il vient, s'en va, puis il revient
Tu crois le tenir, il t'evite
Tu veux l'eviter, il te tient.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The state of my world
As I raked the new lilac-colored brush through my wet hair I thought about the last time I bought a hairbrush. It was the end of 2006. I was in Irvine, CA visiting relatives for New Years. I had forgotten to bring a hairbrush and had remembered at the last minute to go along to the market to purchase a lime green one. There's really nothing special about that brush, except that I forgot it at the dorms this weekend.
A lot has changed since that faraway time; 2006 was my last good year. 2007 was the beginning of the mistakes. Generally people don't have years of continual disastrous events, I guess I'm just lucky. But I won't go into that now.
February 21st is my half birthday. I've always find myself off-guard when half a year has passed since my last birthday. Nine-teen and a Half. What was I doing half a year ago? Oh yes, I was getting ready to go to school. Dreading it. Everyone glorifies college; the freedom, the wild parties, skipping classes, new friends. I sit in class, trying to ignore the people across the room, trying to not know their faces. It shocks me when people here know my name and who I am. I don't want any of that; I just want to get on with my life.
Half a year ago I was in the worst pain of my life, and while that pain has dulled I can still feel it. I'm reminded of it when I talk to those living out of my reach. It prevents me from thinking clearly, thus making more mistakes with more people. I can sense it when I fall asleep at night, hoping I don't have any more nightmares. They come anyway.
I wonder if he feels any guilt for what he's done, or rather, what he's created. I find myself fighting the urge to mutilate my appearances; shaving my head, allowing my hands to bleed from dry cracked skin, finding convenient places on my arms to bruise. But I never do it. Is it strength or weakness that prevents it? All I know is that it is wrong and insane.
There are hardly enough distractions in my world. I secretly hope my phone dies and Vista takes over and destroys my computer. It would be nice to be shut off from the rest of the world. To crawl into a cave and hide from the truth.
It would be nice to pick up and move to a place where no one knew who I was. To be just another face in a crowd, or to be the only face around for miles. It could be nice to escape from my current dysfunctional mental state, but the truth is, there's no going back. And as one of the new brush's bristles breaks off and a missing piece rattles around defiantly in the body, I begin to miss the old one more fiercely.
A lot has changed since that faraway time; 2006 was my last good year. 2007 was the beginning of the mistakes. Generally people don't have years of continual disastrous events, I guess I'm just lucky. But I won't go into that now.
February 21st is my half birthday. I've always find myself off-guard when half a year has passed since my last birthday. Nine-teen and a Half. What was I doing half a year ago? Oh yes, I was getting ready to go to school. Dreading it. Everyone glorifies college; the freedom, the wild parties, skipping classes, new friends. I sit in class, trying to ignore the people across the room, trying to not know their faces. It shocks me when people here know my name and who I am. I don't want any of that; I just want to get on with my life.
Half a year ago I was in the worst pain of my life, and while that pain has dulled I can still feel it. I'm reminded of it when I talk to those living out of my reach. It prevents me from thinking clearly, thus making more mistakes with more people. I can sense it when I fall asleep at night, hoping I don't have any more nightmares. They come anyway.
I wonder if he feels any guilt for what he's done, or rather, what he's created. I find myself fighting the urge to mutilate my appearances; shaving my head, allowing my hands to bleed from dry cracked skin, finding convenient places on my arms to bruise. But I never do it. Is it strength or weakness that prevents it? All I know is that it is wrong and insane.
There are hardly enough distractions in my world. I secretly hope my phone dies and Vista takes over and destroys my computer. It would be nice to be shut off from the rest of the world. To crawl into a cave and hide from the truth.
It would be nice to pick up and move to a place where no one knew who I was. To be just another face in a crowd, or to be the only face around for miles. It could be nice to escape from my current dysfunctional mental state, but the truth is, there's no going back. And as one of the new brush's bristles breaks off and a missing piece rattles around defiantly in the body, I begin to miss the old one more fiercely.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Purpose
I know many of you will be upset by what I write, and I honestly don't think I care. I intend to rant, complain, and criticize ideas, people, and societies.
On the other hand, I will probably use this blog to post photos, tell of crazy birding adventures, and write abstract thoughts. Basically an all-purpose blog.
Cheers to those who enjoy reading this kind of snarky shit. :)
Freddy Goshawk
On the other hand, I will probably use this blog to post photos, tell of crazy birding adventures, and write abstract thoughts. Basically an all-purpose blog.
Cheers to those who enjoy reading this kind of snarky shit. :)
Freddy Goshawk
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