5 Nov 2007

Ok, fine. I’m just going to say it. I’m in love with you. Yeah, I know that you’ll probably never feel the same way, and I don’t blame you. Not many would. Yet even though I know this, and I tell myself to quit and move on, I find that I can’t, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I’ve gotten so attached to the idea of you, the idea that when I look into your eyes there’s this imaginary glimmer of hope that I bring horrors to my every waking and non-waking moment, horrors of deception, defeat, and rejection. My everyday realization is that I am completely alone in this world, and that I tend to get attached to people and things too easily. I guess that would explain my attachment to birds. They shed light on my darkened world like nothing else in this entire universe. But they also bring me great despair, pain, and loss.

I am not telling you all of this for want of pity, for pity would be a wasted expectation on me. Nor do I want argument or strife. I simply needed to temporarily unmask and relieve the pent up stress and grief of keeping all of this a secret. No one wants to hide their true face in the dark forever. I guess this could be called the ultimate test of trust, and in all actuality it is. Any fearful person would conceal themselves for as long as they possibly could, and if truth, I have. But right now in this moment, any built up pain and angst have overcome all sense of reason. I know that I will try to act normally and pretend all of this never happened, and you will probably never speak to me again. If this happens, so be it. Endings shouldn’t happen this way. But they do, and I see it every day. I live it. A life that equates to nothing more than a series of formal Hello’s and Goodbye’s. In with the new, out with the old. For once I want to pause the proceedings of my life and be honest and true, to reverse this continual time-warped theatrical life and set things right.

So there. I said it. I love you. You can pretend you didn’t hear it, but you’ll see it in my eyes. Tomorrow is a new day and I will don my mask of secrecy once again, and wearily tread my accustomed paths. You get to decide if this is a Hello, Goodbye, or I Don’t Know.